Story 6: Personal

Wednesday, 24th July 2019

There are people that I love. People that I truly care about. People that I want to see them being happy, with or without me.

2019 has been harsh on me. This year, I realised, I have nothing to offer to these people that I love.

Not even self confidence or assurance, far from financial stability and material items.

This year, I am just a Lana who is skin and bone. Me myself is all I have. I am poor, emotionally and materially.

There is Zach, someone I met along the cracks of my life. Someone who has been there accompanying my down side of life. Someone, who told me that he loves me at time I can hardly love myself. Someone, who I wish things between us would never change.

He chose me. He is willing to fight for me. He is ready to give his best while he himself is injured along the way.

It was me. I was the problem, the blackhole that keeps on absorbing benefits and goodness from the people around me.

I wanted to contribute all that I have for him, for this relationship. But, what can I say? My conditions won't allow me. I am a liability, that's the fact.

I have nothing to give. Period.

My history and his history makes it hard for me. Am I just another Elizabeth to you? Will you be just another H to me? Will I be texting ' I miss you' just like she did and get no reply from you?

Will you stay with me while I am at this stage of my life where everything I do goes down the drain? Because as far as I am concerned, it has been 7 months and things has not yet get any better.

Life gets me at its worst.

Can you love me on the days when I don't even love myself?

Maybe there are bad luck that I need to undergo before everything go back to being normal again, before I go back to being myself again. Before I can be proud of myself and love you without anything that holds me back.

I am scared of this shit.

I am scared of the time when I will have to see the look in your eyes change.

I am scared of you leaving me.

I want you.

I want to keep you forever. But, with everything that I have, I cannot afford to have you.

I know you deserve someone way better.