Story 3: Midnight & Overthinking

Emma Grace said, "Getting what we want begins with knowing what we want."

The problem is, I don't even know what is it that I want.

I had a conversation with Zach the other day. He told me that our future changes the moment we make a choice in our life. Therefore, it is quite impossible to build a time travel machine to the future. There are 1001 possibilities on what our future looks like, which all depends to choices that we make in our everyday life.

Sometimes I wish I don't have to think about the future. Why can't I just enjoy my present time?

I have a career choice to make. Whether to stay in external audit or whether I should go back to internal audit. Honestly, I enjoyed my time at my previous audit firm. There were a lot of learning going on. I truly enjoyed my time there. My time was occupied with learning and gaining new knowledge.

If I were to ask my heart, she would absolute-definitely say to go for external auditing. But, that would mean I have to let go of my current opportunity with one of the biggest telecommunication and entertainment companies in Malaysia which I have already received (plus, their offer is quite lucrative). If I were to go for external auditing, I might have to repeat the peak season and all, and their pay can be quite low in comparison to actual work and time spent on auditing.

In short, internal audit is more stable in terms of good pay, 9-5 job, I am good at (I think, but not really passionate about) whereas external audit is more time demanding, good learning curve, I am really passionate about this career (but I think I am quite slow at external audit), less pay and peak period can really suck life out of you.

God, I am having trouble to decide.

Last 2 weeks ago, a friend of mine from Manpower had a small open house for Eid celebration. I went there with Jeremy, as usual we carpooled. Jeremy had started on a small vape business, which I think he enjoyed it since he is a vape-r himself. Good for him to earn bucks in something that he really enjoy doing.

Jeremy is quite an optimistic person. I asked for his opinion and directions because I felt quite lost with what is it that I want in life. I was having trouble to find the purpose and reasons why we all should go to work when in the end we are all going to die anyway?

Jeremy said, it is not the destination that is important. It is the journey itself.

He told me that I need to know what is it that I want in life, what kind of life that I imagined I will have in 5 years ahead, and based on that I need to start  curate on what kind of person I want to be. Start working from there. (see, I told you J is quite a character).

Again, back to the question, what is it that I want?

I want to learn. I want to learn as much as I can before my time is out, before I got married, before I have to dedicate my time to other important things in life, like marriage and family. Based on my calculation, I am only left with 5 years before time is out. By 30, I am pretty sure my parents will force me to go get a guy and have a life.

I want to go to external audit. I want to learn under big audit firms because they have enough resources, their clients consists of various industries and large public listed companies. It is not entitlement that I am chasing for. It is learning and making myself useful is what I want.

If I were to ask my heart without taking into account other factors, I would definitely go for external audit. And that is where the problem comes in. The heart is emotions based. It does not do the thinking. It does not takes into account what is rationale or not. I need to use my brain to decide. And the brain says "go to internal audit. That A company is a good company to start with. After all, we go to work to earn bucks, aren't we?"

Shit.

Yes, we go to work to earn bucks. But, what is the point of earning millions when in the end we are all going to die anyway? What is the point of earning a lot when you don't really feel alive with passion? And be alive and burning with passion, that is something that can only be felt with heart, not brain.

Oh. My. God. Please. Send. Help.

I am contradicting myself now. I have to decide on one path and just go all out with that.

On a side note, I am glad I have friends like Jeremy and Zach. They are like yin yang lol. Jeremy is the positive one to the extreme whereas Zach is the negative to the extreme. Which they balance out my thoughts and they put me the right state of mind, not too negative and not too positive. So, when i talked to J, I feel super confident things will go as planned that I often forgot to have backup plans, but when I discuss things with Z, he will give his insights and remind me to prepare for the worst.

My friends are not average. They are super cool human beings.

Oh right, going back to the topic, I think I need to ponder on that for a bit more time.

Also, I need to teach myself that what I want might not be the one that I need. I need to accept that I guess. Maybe the one that comes to me is what I needed all along.

God, give me guidance. Amen.

Story 2: Tiny People

2019.06.25 - In a cafe opposite of Starbucks

Hi people (pretty sure no one actually read my blog lol), but yeah hi peeps!

It has been 3 years since I last wrote my stories here. It is crazy how time flies so fast. For God's sake it is 2019 now. Yeah, I can't believe that myself either. I am no longer a student. Currently working as an auditor. Praise God, really thankful for my life journey.

You see, a lot of things have changed. I have changed. People around me have changed. A friend of mine used to say,"Ironically, the only constant thing in life is change." Well, I think he is right.

Looking back, life has been really cosy for the past 5-6 years. I had everything I ever wanted. I was in my happiest state. Things were certain back then. I know what I was doing. I know what kind of person I want to be. I had someone I can count on, someone who would come running if I called, someone who would be there for me.

This year specifically, I would say is the hardest year for me. As we are moving to the second half of the year now (it is already June as I am writing this), things are getting a little bit better by now.

But today, hmm, I feel a need to look back into my life journey for second.

Because guys, to be honest, I am feeling a bit tired lately.

I am feeling drained despite of seeing progress in my climb. I thought the challenging part of the mountain is already over few months ago when I was drowned in my peak audit season. I thought time has healed my wound, but here I am, feeling tired and miserable again. Feeling the pain again. It feels like the past came back haunting because I am no longer busy with my works since it is already off-peak season.

I guess I don't really want to post this on my blog, just because at the moment my heart and mind is heavy with thoughts. It feels like I need a bigger brain and a bigger heart, otherwise all my thoughts and feelings will be overflowed. I need a space where I can vent out all my anger, sadness and disappointment.

Things went off guys, and it has been a very very painful experience.

For people who actually know me on a personal level, I am sure you could grasp on what was happening in my life recently. Things went south in all aspects of my life. Relationships, career wise, my friendships and my financial matters also taking toll on me. I feel very embarrassed of myself, of all the lacking and flaws that I possess. Yes, I know I should not be feeling that way.

*sigh*

I am just very embarrassed of myself. That's all I can say. I wish I've done better.

Okay, let's not dwell on that. The purpose of me writing this is not to make me feel even more crappy. It is to encourage and fuel my little spirit to face this life head on. Yeap, there you go baby!

So, since the beginning of 2019, things were hard due to some personal matters. My relationship and my friendship went haywire, my dear granddads passed away, I was losing myself when I needed my positive self the most. It felt like everything was running away from  me.

So, in order to get up on my feet again, I tried few things. I let myself be buried under all the works and let myself think about works from my first blink in the morning to my last breath at night. I occupied myself with things that are actually 'matter' (aka things that bring me money). Went to work from morning to late morning the next day, even on weekends. Went home just for the sake of bathing and changing into new clothes. God knows how I hate being left alone with my thoughts.

I was lucky enough I met a bunch of friendly auditors (which I will write a different post about them) during my audit engagement. They were very helpful in helping me to forget all the troubles that I faced during that time. I was happy being around them.

Somehow, it felt like I was creating a new persona with a set of traits which are different to my real self. Because my real self is a pity person, I don't want them to know and I don't want my new friends to find out that parts of me. I guess, I was just scared of losing people again. So, every time I am feeling down due to my personal matter at the workplace, when I feel like running to the washroom and burst out in tears, I asked myself, "What would Eri (the new persona) do?". So, instead of actually running to the bathroom and sobbing like a crazy woman *eww so dramatic*, I would go and asked Charmaine to accompany me to Family Mart and we would buy ice cream and soda and chatting about random things for 10 minutes before resuming works again. (On a second thought, I think that was when my Coke addiction started, which I shall write a post on this too soon).

No matter how much I tried to minimise and not to indulge in the dramas, it is hard to think lightly of that. Every time I try to embrace my problems and insecurities, and be like, "Hey Lana, so here's our issues, we need to solve it. Let's cut the drama short and be real.".

I did tried that, many times over and over. Trust me, I did.

But, it is hard guys. It is fucking hard. It doesn't end just like that. When I thought that I am ready to face my demons, I took a step back. I always did that. I procrastinate. Not that I did not know I was procrastinating, it was just, phew, I can't take a step forward. I feel like my heart cannot take it. So, I took a step back, no, few steps back, tried to calm down my shivering heart.

And to be really honest, I have moved on from my comfort zone. I have accepted the fact of what had happened. I have made peace with that. Therefore, by logic, I should be feeling very free. But I was not. I could not figure it out.

Until today. I think I have got my answer.

I was high on sugar yesterday lol, so I could not sleep at all the whole night. My mind was racing. My brain cells was actively seeking answers for questions. It felt like thousands of tiny people are screaming in my head. It felt like I was running out of excuses for procrastination, and all those tiny people demand answers for what had happened, reasons on why I still feeling overwhelmed with myself, reasons why I cannot be proud of myself.

So I sat there in the dark, trying to find strength to face my demon. It was scary. It felt like I was facing a ghost who was laughing hard at my incompetence. A ghost who was aware of my strengths and my weaknesses and she knows for sure I will be defeated once again. It felt like she was staring straight into my eyes, so I shut my eyes and said sorry for thousandth times for what had happened, for my flaws and my imperfections. I was struggling and the air felt very thin. I was out of breath.

Then, a thought came like an advertisement. Why is exactly am I feeling this way? I am practically out of commitment now. I have moved on from my past relationship. I have accepted that my life has to be hard and difficult now because I needed to learn something this time before I can level up.

So, why am I like this? Why I am feeling afraid of something I no longer have control on? It was just mere stupidity if I were to cry for something that had happened in the past.

Do I have something to protect that will go away sooner or later?

Ah yes. I do.

That was the reason. That was the bloody reason why I could not be truly free. All these while, it felt like a bird out of cage but my wings are tied.

While living as Eri, I have put all my love and care to my friends. I was trying my best to be the exact opposite of Lana. Lana is a self-centered person, she is selfish. Everything in her life is basically all about her. She forgot that other people are also living their life. They also have their stories to tell, matter of facts, even more interesting stories than Lana's. But yes, Lana, sadly, was a very selfish and self-centred girl. She took more than she gave. She failed to notice important people in her life and she failed to show and tell them how much they meant to her. She failed to tell them how much she needed them to stay and how much she loved them. She was a failure.

And that, I did not made peace with that. I did not accept the reasons of my past failures. I was escaping from the truth. I left the mess I made in 'Lana' and living a life as 'Eri' instead.

And now, 'Lana' came back to haunt me. Because I have people that I want to protect now.

I am afraid.

I wish there is a cheat sheet on how to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good human. But no, life does not work that way. Life itself is a test, and I am just bad at studying.

I want to be there for people that I love, people that I care about. But, I wonder if they would even need me? What is my value? I have nothing that I can offer to them. I have no car to drive them around when they are feeling down or feeling tired, not a rich kid as I have to work double jobs myself, I am a boring person to be with and not even a humorous person, and if they were to ask advice from me, I am feeling even more helpless because shit, my life itself is a mess. Who am I to spout nonsense about life and what's-not. What do I know?

There were people who were there for me when I needed a shoulder to lean on. There were people who would accompany me at 3 am and talk about moon and stars and how would it feel to be the first man on moon. There were people who would make time for me despite their busy schedule. When I felt like it is a sin to cry in front of people who care for you, there was someone who would hug me tight and save my face from passer-bys and would tell me that it is okay to cry, and she would wipe my messy face with her sleeves. I swear, I would die for these people.

I love these people. I need these people in my life.

And I think that is a bad thing.

When you love deep, the pain doubles when they left.

And the rule of life is, nothing in life is ever permanent. People come and go. I could never be ready to lose people again.

Now you see, I become greedy and here I am, back to the selfish me again.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing to offer them. I can't keep on receiving and not giving. I should just take a step back. At least, it will probably hurt a little bit less if I leave first.

[coffee break - sipping hot choc to clear off my mind for a sec]

OK, when I said I am leaving first, that does not mean I will go off grid. Don't worry guys, I don't want drama.

I guess, I just don't want to put expectations on anyone or anything anymore. Not even on myself. I love you guys, but I will not expect you to always hang out with me or text me because I know you guys have better things to do in life.

If you need me, you know where and how to find me. You know I would always be there for you guys.

And if one day, we just don't talk to each other anymore for no apparent reason, I will understand that too. Matter of fact, I have already accepted that although it is still not happening yet.

Yes. I don't want to put up a fight anymore. At least not yet now.

I am still recovering from my last battle when I fought hard for someone I loved, something that I wanted to protect, when I fought hard against myself and my pride. I lost that battle, so I don't want to fight anymore. Not yet.

***

God, give me strength. I am not a strong person even though people always keep telling me that. What do they know. I am okay if every one are to leave me. But I need You to stay with me, and I need myself to stay with me. I don't want to give up yet. But God, sometimes it is tiring. Sometimes it is hard to stay afloat. I believe good things are about to make its way. I want to trust that. So God, help me out.