Story 6: Personal

Wednesday, 24th July 2019

There are people that I love. People that I truly care about. People that I want to see them being happy, with or without me.

2019 has been harsh on me. This year, I realised, I have nothing to offer to these people that I love.

Not even self confidence or assurance, far from financial stability and material items.

This year, I am just a Lana who is skin and bone. Me myself is all I have. I am poor, emotionally and materially.

There is Zach, someone I met along the cracks of my life. Someone who has been there accompanying my down side of life. Someone, who told me that he loves me at time I can hardly love myself. Someone, who I wish things between us would never change.

He chose me. He is willing to fight for me. He is ready to give his best while he himself is injured along the way.

It was me. I was the problem, the blackhole that keeps on absorbing benefits and goodness from the people around me.

I wanted to contribute all that I have for him, for this relationship. But, what can I say? My conditions won't allow me. I am a liability, that's the fact.

I have nothing to give. Period.

My history and his history makes it hard for me. Am I just another Elizabeth to you? Will you be just another H to me? Will I be texting ' I miss you' just like she did and get no reply from you?

Will you stay with me while I am at this stage of my life where everything I do goes down the drain? Because as far as I am concerned, it has been 7 months and things has not yet get any better.

Life gets me at its worst.

Can you love me on the days when I don't even love myself?

Maybe there are bad luck that I need to undergo before everything go back to being normal again, before I go back to being myself again. Before I can be proud of myself and love you without anything that holds me back.

I am scared of this shit.

I am scared of the time when I will have to see the look in your eyes change.

I am scared of you leaving me.

I want you.

I want to keep you forever. But, with everything that I have, I cannot afford to have you.

I know you deserve someone way better.

Story 5: State of Grace

20/07/2019, Saturday.

I love seeing him playing the guitar and get so lost in it.

I love seeing him explaining his theories and trying to convince me into believing them.

I love the sound of his laughters when he laughed so hard about something that amuses him.

I love seeing him lit up his cigarette and lost in thoughts while leaning against his car.

I love the look in his eyes when he told me his emotions and what he felt in his heart.

I love the sound of his breath when he was asleep.

I love the sharp gaze he gave to car drivers on road when they didn't signalled which way they want to go at the junction.

I love the tears he shed when something breaks his heart.

I love his messy hair and messy shirt when he came up to meet me at 3 am after work.

I wish I can tell him that I like him.

I can't. I can't do that.

To him, I am a good friend. I am a good companion for his late night dinner.

Maybe all these will disappear after his peak is over. Maybe, one day, just like that, he will never contact me again.

Maybe this is just a one time feeling. For me and for him.

Hearts. They are sure very strange. This heart of mine, it acts as if she has her own brain. She feels things that my brain was all against.

My heart bled so much for the past 6 months. Yet, it starts to beat again slowly. This time it is for someone else. I don't want it to beat so gracefully because I know she will get hurt again.

She wasn't listening. She keeps on beating, stupidly.

If it is hard to love again, why do I keep on liking him, secretly wishing he would stay with me a little bit longer?

Deep down I questioned myself, if we were to be together, can I love him regardless of his past and my history? We are dangerous combination to begin with. Can we hold on?

Sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid. Maybe we are better off this way.