Story 5: State of Grace

20/07/2019, Saturday.

I love seeing him playing the guitar and get so lost in it.

I love seeing him explaining his theories and trying to convince me into believing them.

I love the sound of his laughters when he laughed so hard about something that amuses him.

I love seeing him lit up his cigarette and lost in thoughts while leaning against his car.

I love the look in his eyes when he told me his emotions and what he felt in his heart.

I love the sound of his breath when he was asleep.

I love the sharp gaze he gave to car drivers on road when they didn't signalled which way they want to go at the junction.

I love the tears he shed when something breaks his heart.

I love his messy hair and messy shirt when he came up to meet me at 3 am after work.

I wish I can tell him that I like him.

I can't. I can't do that.

To him, I am a good friend. I am a good companion for his late night dinner.

Maybe all these will disappear after his peak is over. Maybe, one day, just like that, he will never contact me again.

Maybe this is just a one time feeling. For me and for him.

Hearts. They are sure very strange. This heart of mine, it acts as if she has her own brain. She feels things that my brain was all against.

My heart bled so much for the past 6 months. Yet, it starts to beat again slowly. This time it is for someone else. I don't want it to beat so gracefully because I know she will get hurt again.

She wasn't listening. She keeps on beating, stupidly.

If it is hard to love again, why do I keep on liking him, secretly wishing he would stay with me a little bit longer?

Deep down I questioned myself, if we were to be together, can I love him regardless of his past and my history? We are dangerous combination to begin with. Can we hold on?

Sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid. Maybe we are better off this way.